Friday, 20 May 2011

It's the The End of the World

Well, this is going to be my last post ever I'm afraid - because tomorrow the world ends. Well, technically it doesn't end until October 21st when God will destroy everything in fire, but tomorrow it all kicks off with the Rapture when all good Christians get whisked away bodily to heaven and for the rest of us there will be massive planet-wide earthquakes, graves being thrown open, rains of blood, the rocks crying out "No hiding place from the wrath of God!" etc etc - so I'm guessing Blogger will be down too.

What am I talking about? Well haven't you heard? - radio preacher Harold Camping has, through meticulous study of the Bible, worked out that Judgement starts on 21st May 2011. He guarantees it.

According to Genesis, when the flood occurred in the year 4990, God told Noah that in seven days he would destroy the earth. But Peter said: 'I know that one day for me is like a thousand years.' So 4990 plus 7001 years (the equivalent of seven days) equals 2011. Not only that, May 21 coincides with the 17th day of the second month of the calendar used during the Biblical flood.
He's been telling everyone to Save the Date. And loads of people believe him - well, there must be someone paying for the billboards and bus and subway advertising in cities all across the USA.

But wait - the good news is that when all those Christians go to heaven, there will be someone left to look after their beloved pets on earth! In an inspired move [Am I allowed to say that?] Eternal Earth-Bound Pets has assembled a crack troop of sworn atheists and will - in return for a hefty upfront fee - guarantee to rescue your pets in the event of the rapture.

"You've committed your life to Jesus. You know you're saved. But when the Rapture comes, what's to become of your loving pets who are left behind? 

Each Eternal Earth-Bound Pet representative is a confirmed atheist, and as such will still be here on Earth after you've received your reward.  Our network of animal activists are committed to step in when you step up to Jesus."

(The EEBP founder adds, btw: "This will happen only if and when the Rapture happens. So we do not expect to have to do anything on Saturday.")

To be completely honest - and this may come as a shock to you, gentle reader - neither do I. In fact I'm wondering what all the believers are going to do on Sunday. Kill themselves like the Heaven's Gate lot? Phone the dentist and ask if they can have that appointment slot in June after all? With luck, maybe some of them will say to themselves. "That was complete horseshit. Biblical authority guaranteed it, but it just wasn't true. Damn ... maybe the rest of it is made up too."

But I very much doubt it. They'll find some excuse. "God was testing us." "He moves in mysterious ways." "It was our fault for not having enough faith." No matter how often God lets them down, people will believe anything rather than consider the possibility that Biblical "promises" are fiction. And the next time someone claims to speak with God's authority, they'll believe him too.
* * * * *
The world will not end, and I'll be back posting after Saturday. I GUARANTEE it, folks, on Flying Spaghetti Monster authority!
And if I'm wrong and it does, I'll have a lot more to worry about than looking a complete tit ;-)


Fulani said...

Yes, I read about this. However if the world doesn't finally end until October, and non-Christian kinky people are around until then, that's probably good news especially as my new book is out next week!

I saw the pet thing as funny too. It reminds me of the Monty Python film in which there's a board meeting where the order of business is (1) the world is about to end and (2) market research has shown there is consumer interest in a new design of hat - and everyone in the meeting agrees the second point is the more important one.

Janine Ashbless said...

Yes, Fulani - a part of me thinks that if all the fundamentalists (of every religion) did suddenly vanish off the planet, well, we would muddle through somehow with surprisingly few regrets...

The pet thing is just great. People taking the total piss (and a certain amount of hard cash)out of fundies with a straight, nay respectful, face. It's a whole new level of postmodernist irony.

Janine Ashbless said...

P.S: good luck and congrats re the book!

Jo said...

Genius stroke by the Earthbound Pet people. My mouth dropped open. And why is there a man doing a poo in the first billboard? (Earthbound poo? Leave all your shit behind?)

Are there really people running around getting ready for the Rapture? Must google more about that*

Erobintica said...

Damn! And I was so looking forward to the post-rapture looting party!

Chris said...

Check out the Dork Tower take on this:

(go back to Thursday, May 19th if the world doesn't end and he gets the chance to draw a new cartoon next week).

Chris said...

Post-rapture looting, I hadn't thought of that. Must check my address book to see if I know any good Christians who might be away from home after tomorrow.

Janine Ashbless said...

I doubt there are many good Christians in your social circle, Chris...

Janine Ashbless said...

And why is there a man doing a poo in the first billboard?

*Snrrrk* Now I want to climb up there with a magic marker!