So Thomas ... let's talk about porn. You've probably seen some already, and if you haven't it won't be long, whatever your mum believes. Friends, older kids ... somewhere. There's a whole lot of it out there. You might find it exciting, or confusing, or scary, or upsetting. And you'll see more of it as you get older. Which is why I want to tell you some stuff you need to know, right NOW.
First of all, IT'S NOT REALISTIC.
I don't mean it's not real like a cartoon, I mean it's not real like a Hollywood movie. Porn actors ... well the clue's in the name. They are ACTORS. In fact, to be honest, they are more like stuntmen and -women. They go in front of a camera and do their job (which yes, means having sex), and the director makes a film that he hopes lots of people will want to watch. So he picks actors who are way better- or more impressive-looking than ordinary people and can do things that most ordinary people can't do. And then those actors will need to be made to look even better for the camera - I mean it: special diets, having all their body hair stripped off, taking medication and having plastic surgery. So from the start:
- Don't think you ought to have the same sort of body as a porn actor when you grow up. You won't.
- Don't think girls ought to have bodies like porn actresses. They won't. They'll have lumps and bumps and flobbly bits. They will come in all sorts of shapes and sizes. They will have hair in all sorts of places, like up their bottoms. This is normal.
Which brings me on to the second thing: EVERYTHING ON PORN IS DONE FOR THE CAMERA, NOT FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE PICTURE.
Which means that it's faked up in all sorts of ways. All movies are made to look more exciting than real life - porn is just the same. You might watch James Bond drive a car over a rooftop, jump it into a lake, drive out, slide it under a passing juggernaut and then leap out as the car rolls down a cliff and explodes. Is that how you drive a car in real life? Hell no! Is that how ANYBODY could drive in real life without a load of stunt setups and explosives and stuff? No.
People in porn movies do it in a way that looks dead impressive. That takes a lot of practice and talent. And of course directors cheat with the camerawork and editing - you can't tell that everyone stopped and had a glass of water because they were feeling thirsty, or got to midday and stopped for their sandwiches and a rest, and sat round telling jokes and talking about what was on TV last night, because they don't film that bit.
Don't think you should do all or any of the stuff in porn movies in real life. What you see isn't the best stuff, it's just the stuff that looks most dramatic. Real sex is not an Olympic-level gymnastics demonstration!
I could give you a list as long as your arm of the things that happen in porn films that aren't realistic - but I'm not going to because your mum would get real mad with me. Let's just say, if you need to know, this is a good place to start.
- Don't think you ought to try out everything you've seen.
- Real-life sex isn't about looking good, it's about having fun together.
- Real-life sex isn't about showing off how great you are or how experienced. It's about finding out what works and feels good for you and them. Everyone is different, so what works for one person will not work for the next. You have to take it slowly and experiment.
Blimey - PEOPLE IN PORN MOVIES DO IT SO SERIOUSLY, because that's what looks cool for the cameras. In real life sex involves lots of giggling and smiling and putting up with stupid things like tripping over your socks or farty body noises. Yeah, you can get to be really good at sex, with practise. But you need a sense of humour and patience and to be laid-back when it doesn't go perfectly. And it involves lots and lots of TALKING.
PEOPLE IN PORN NEVER TALK AND THEY NEVER STOP TO LISTEN. I don't mean dirty talk - some people in real life really like that, some don't. I mean things like "What do you want to do next?" and "Does this feel nice?" and "I would really like X, how do you feel about doing that for me?" In real life you are not having sex with a robot who likes everything and does everything and always responds the way you think they should. You are having sex with an actual human being with thoughts and emotions. You have to look after each other. So that means being honest and kind.
- Real-life sex is not a performance, it's more like a game you play together.
- You MUST talk to each other and make sure everyone is happy with what's happening.
- You've got to organise things. Like making sure you are safe before you start and no one's going to end up pregnant. But that's another chat altogether...
Okay, I've gone on too long and you've probably stopped listening.
If you remember one thing, let it be this -
- Porn is made to be entertainment for adults. That's all it is - entertainment. Don't believe everything you see in it. DON'T TAKE IT SERIOUSLY.
And in three years time I'm going to have the same conversation with your little sister.