Book launch - Monday 11th November

COME AND SEE ME!

I will be taking part in the book launch for The Forgotten and the Fantastical #5 next Monday 11th November - hosted by editor Teika Bellamy; all welcome; fantasy NOT erotica; FREE CUPCAKES!

Also features me utterly failing to convey a Geordie accent 😝

It's going on at the Five Leaves independent, radical bookshop in Nottingham, 7pm - 8.30pm. 

Full event details here.

The fifth in the series of The Forgotten and the Fantastical brings you wolves and glass and altered reality. A grandmother remembers what it was like to be in the belly of a wolf; a newly wed wife is revolted by her billionaire husband; a mother protects her child from the cunning Folk of the Mound, and women young and old go in search of a better life.

Features new writing from: Becky Cherriman, Noel Chidwick, Carys Crossen, Donna M Day, Rosie Garland, Kim Gravell, Katie Gray, Sarah Hindmarsh, Jonty Levine, Keris McDonald, Angela Readman, Louise Richards, Marija Smits, Aliya Whiteley.


"Mind-blowingly gorgeous – filled with wickedly powerful girls and women, playing games with words and songs and gender roles. It feels like reading a collection of stories that were expurgated from the Grimm collections for being too radical. Utterly loved it." - Cassandra Parkin (author of New World Fairy Tales)

BUY THE BOOK HERE

Phalloween reading

Damnit, why didn't I think of that pun?!

I'm delighted to announce that I'll be back in Leeds next Monday night for a reading at the Cocktails and Fucktales October special: Phalloween.

I had a great time on my last visit and the people involved are lovely. Here's the deets:

Monday, 7 October 2019 from 19:00-22:30

Below Stairs cocktail bar

12 South Parade, 

LEEDS

LS1 5QS

 

tickets £6.50
£5 low income tickets, and if you can't afford that please drop us a message or email us at cocktailsftales@gmail.com to be added to the advance ticket list under our Nobody Turned Away For Lack Of Funds scheme 🙂

 

I shall have to dig out something extra spooky to read! 

Sins of the past

I'm not doing much writing these days but it's lovely when past naughtiness catches me up! My contributor copy of Dirty 30 Vol.3 (which contains my short Western story Sourdough) has arrived and I 💖 it!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY to editor extraordinaire Rose Caraway!

Why am I not writing erotica at moment?

• I'm transforming my garden
• I'm putting a lot of creative effort into a LARP I'm running next year
• The general state of politics, society and the world has, I'm afraid, caused my misanthropy to entirely overwhelm my desire to tell stories. All the above activities feel like fiddling while Rome burns, yes, but at least I don't have to think about Rome while I'm doing them. 

Maybe things will change ... I do hope so.

There is such a thing as too much Slap

As a postscript to the Horror of the Fake Nails, I also had my face done for the photoshoot last week.

Contouring can do amazing things. I had long wondered wondered what I'd look like with a professional makeup job... and here's the answer:

Since it seems to be RUBY FECKING WAX I'm going to stick to my natural lumps in future 😲😂😭

Hard As

Empress Dowager Cixi, and her 6-inch fingernails, for you history buffs

Well, I was booked in this week for a photoshoot and the instructions we received urged long, shiny fingernails.  My natural fingernails, even when I've not been nibbling them, are short and stumpy like my fingers and usually ingrained with garden dirt, so I decided to get false ones for the first time in my life..

HOLY FUCKING SHIT that was not a good move.

First of all, you've got to understand that this was WAY outside my comfort zone. It's an artform that belongs to younger working class women, predominantly, so I'm clueless both as to the terminology (gels? acrylics? infills?) and the appeal. But it's an Experience for sure. I entered this Thai production line in the nail-bar, and only embarrassment stopped me succumbing to a panic attack and bolting out the door.

The  process is sort of fascinating actually. They grind the surface of your natural nail to provide a key. Then they glue these plastic tips onto the ends of your nails and cut these down to size. Then they use this MAGIC POWDER that turns into a plastic slime when it comes into contact with the MAGIC PURPLE LIQUID*, and they slap it onto your extended nails and shape and buff it with EXTREME VIGOUR. I don't know what the glue they use is but it puts superglue to shame - it's instant and as far as I can tell permanent.

Here's the results:

They actually looked okay from that angle but when I walked out I discovered the true horror. They are 10 tiny levers of pain that connect to your nail beds. Doing anything that requires normal fingertip pressure (opening the car boot for example) is AGONY. Accidentally catching them against a hard surface is AGONY.

And I can't clean my ears when I wash my hair. Or pick up small objects from the floor. Or use a smartphone. Or, ahem, do any of the things I might normally do with my genital area...

Here are the evil buggers from the side:

Thick, aren't they?

I'm stuck with them, literally and figuratively. I have no clue whether they grow out naturally. Here's how the internet says you get them off:

1. Clip the acrylic nails as short as possible.
2. Pry the edges with the pointy end of the tweezer.
3. Now, pour acetone free nail polish remover in a bowl.
4. Soak the nails in the nail polish remover for at least 30-40 minutes.
5. Once you feel the nail loosened, pull it out gently with tweezers.

OKAY STOP RIGHT THERE. I am NOT gouging my nails out with tweezers!!!  😱😱😱

So basically I've clipped them short with tin-snips and filed them and now I'm going to ignore them until my fingers fall off.

At least I can, with some care, pick my nose again. 😠

---

(*poly methyl methacrylate acrylic (PMMA) mixed with "liquid monomer", usually ethyl methacrylate.)

Lust in the Post

It's here!

Contributor copies of Lust in the Dust have been arriving this week in the hands of their authors. It looks LOVELY!

And it's officially released on JULY 5TH through all the usual stockists 💖💖💖

I've been decorating the stairwell all this week (see cheerful shade of Apocalypse Red in photo above) so I'm absolutely cream-crackered, but this should keep me awake reading for a few nights...

Legendary Lineup

It's time for a signing...

I'm off under my other name as part of the signing lineup at the official NewCon launch THIS SATURDAY (1st June) 1-5pm . I'm part of the Legends Vol.3 set, with my story The Price of Passage, but there will be authors launching the Best of British Fantasy 2018 as well, because we are all about value for money 😉

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Stories that are brimming with swordplay, treachery, deeds both dark and noble, with cunning thieves and wily tricksters, blood-thirsty gods and flawed heroes. David Gemmell passed away in 2006, leaving behind a legacy of memorable characters, epic settings, and thrilling tales. In the Legends anthologies, some of today's finest fantasy authors pay homage to one of fantasy fiction's greatest ever writers. Welcome to Legends.

Contents:
1. Introduction by Stan Nicholls
2. Blood Debt – Gail Z. Martin
3. A God’s Mercy – Richard Webb
4. Berserker Captain – Neal Asher
5. The Price of Passage – Keris McDonald
6. Summoner – Danie Ware
7. Pelicos the Brave and the Princess of Kalakhadze – Steven Poore
8. The Timekeeper’s Tarot – Den Patrick
9. Her Grail – Ben North
10. Piercing the Mist – Shona Kinsella
11. Chosen of the Slain – K.T. Davies
12. The Dying Land – Nick Watkinson
13. A Hero of Her People – Anna Smith Spark
14. All Deaths Well Intention’d – RJ Barker
15. By Any Other Name – Justina Robson

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Everyone is welcome, so come along and mingle and drink free wine!

The Star of Kings pub

126 York Way

London

N1 0AX

Saturday 1st June 1 - 5pm

Oh ... and then I'm off to see Muse in concert in the evening. Busy day!

Merry Men!

It turns out I only live 25 minutes away from Sherwood Forest! 

Here's the Major Oak,  reputed to be the one which Robin Hood and his band met beneath:

I went there with longtime-internet-buddy and fellow erotica writer Craig Sorensen, who is visiting from the USA. We've also been to Bolsover Castle and spent a day in York, so he now has a wholly warped idea of how nice England is ;-)

Now we are going to watch Bill, so that he has an accurate historical grounding in Shakespeare's life before going to Stratford Upon Avon 😁😁😁

You've got red on you

Lady Bagehot shortly after ripping a guest's throat out

 I had the most wonderful weekend, and honestly it's hard being back here in the real world this week! "Write? Walk the dog? Get up in time to meet the door-fitter? Pah!"

I was helping run the first game in the Victorian supernatural LARP campaign, Gothic.  We've spent the last few months writing, prop-making and stressing out about it all - but it all went smoothly (exception: the fog machine didn't work) and the players were an outstanding group who threw themselves into the drama, and the response has been so positive that I'm now looking for a site for the next one!

Malham House. Don't go down into the cellar...

 

It's been decades since I reffed a weekender and I was delighted to find that some things now make it easier, like using Facebook to communicate, (OMG, that halves the work on its own!) and the incredible ease of finding props and costume on Amazon, Wish, and Ebay instead of having to make everything yourselves (tiger-skin?  mop caps? emerald necklace? certainly madame!). That's probably a good thing, since my energy levels are lower these days!

 It's incredibly validating and rewarding to run a game and I've been on Cloud Nine! It almost makes up for the prior stress 😆😆😆

"It's pronounced Batshit"

Into the Shadows

Alas, dear readers - I must regretfully bid you a fond farewell for a few days. I am called upon to take up my post as the kindly matriarch of a beloved family in the gas-lit reign of the Empress Victoria. I am afraid my portrait photograph is not all I had hoped, because I struggle with these new technologies and did not understand the photographer's instructions. But I think it captures my essential sweetness, merriment and open-hearted generosity in a candid manner, and all who glimpse it will be assured that a warm welcome awaits them in my haunted mansion on the banks of the ghastly mere that is Malham Tarn. 

I shall return! 💀

Seasonal fashion notes

My friend Annie crocheted me some sparkly dragon-scale writing gloves for Xmas 😍

Of course y'all know that writers are supposed to look like this when they work:

BadStockPhotosOfMyJob

So I'm rather letting the side down this week in my gloves and shawl 😁

Frankly, it's a triumph if I'm not still in my dressing gown

From the bottom of my heart I apologise to the erotica writing community, and I promise I'll try harder!

When I was 51...

... I hefted a golden eagle!

Every year, soon after my birthday, I like to take a look back at stuff I've done for the first time EVER, in order to ensure that I'm not too deep into my middle-aged rut.

Here goes with this year just past ... when I was 51:

For the very first time IN MY LIFE:

• I drove a BMW Z4 35is convertible sports car (bright red, of course)
• I got a photographic driver's license instead of the tatty old paper thing I'd had since a teenager
• I acquired a smartphone!
• And bought a blu-ray player (not yet plugged in, I admit)
• We moved into a house that's actually big enough to hold all our books. (This is it, Peak House ... next stop is a nursing home)

• I thus became the owner of some chandeliers. Still getting rid of them...
• I stained my deck. It took 4 days and lasted less than 4 months, so I'm pretty pissed off about that, believe me
• I used a supermarket scan-as-you-shop handheld device. It's like Star Trek, I tell you!

• I ate a fortune cookie
• I visited Uzebkistan, Kazakhstan and Kyrgyzstan. 
• I attended our local Parish Council meeting ( which was one of the most horrifically poisonous, bitter, unpleasant public exchanges I've ever seen. Jesus Christ on a bike...)
• I visited Intensive Care in a hospital ... in fact I spent a lot of time hospital visiting 😔
• I delivered a eulogy at a family funeral
• I used Discord to play new-to-me RPG Numenera 

• I reviewed a Thesaurus - and got my quote on the back cover!

• I was commissioned to write a professional RPG scenario
• I went to the Edgelit convention, which may be my favourite now
• I had three dark fantasy stories published! (That's more than my erotica count this year ... the house move and family obligations really slowed me down I'm afraid)

• I picked the stories for a Sexy Little Pages anthology:

Now the hard editing work begins...

• I joined FreeCycle and the National Trust
• I bought a hanging basket for the front door, and a rotary dryer for the garden
• I hand-sewed some curtains
• I lit a Yankee Candle ... 

Shit, what was that about a middle-aged rut?!
I'm DOOOOOOOMED 😱😱😱

Who's a Big Boy then?

I have made a pilgrimage to what must surely be my spiritual home, and paid respects to my totem god.

Can you see him over my shoulder there?

It's the Cerne Abbas Giant, who is official possessor of the Biggest Dick in Britain - 36 ft long!

He's actually best seen from the sky:

Photo from Wikipedia, CC License

Carved into the chalk hillside above a Dorset village by hands unknown (but probably sticky), the Giant is ancient (at least early 17th Century) and may possibly be Romano-British or even older. No one knows. He's a big hit round Cerne Abbas. Apparently spending the night on his knob is helpful if you are trying to get pregnant - or so they say!

We  ate lunch in this nice pub:

Where we drank this beer:

See - travel does broaden the mind ;-)

FantasyCon Chester

Nananana nananana - BAT COOKIES!!

FantasyCon is one of the big genre-fic events of the year in the UK, with an emphasis on Horror. It's inspiring, it's exhausting and it can be a little surreal! This year it took place in Chester, a city famous for its Roman history. Even the hotel venue (which was for once not grotty, hooray) had got into the spirit:

"The Dealers' Room is over there"

Most of the pictures I took were actually of the hotel's profoundly weird collection of statues, for some reason...

"The barbarians are coming!"

"Quick, form a Testudo, men!"

We did some sensible book launches and stuff...

Newcon Books - The Scent of Tears

I drank a LOT of free wine, to be fair...

Cate Gardner and myself at the Alchemy Press launch

But I'm not sure the wine can account for all the weirdness...

And OH GOD I want this wallpaper:

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[Some picture credits to Steve Shaw, Simon Bestwick and possibly others ... sorry, I've lost track]

Day by day

Yesterday this:

Today this:

I do my adulting in small doses ;-)

Stan 1: Uzbekistan

I am just about recovering from the jetlag of my holiday on on Silk Road! Here's a pic of me sweltering in the Registan Square in Samarkand, which gives you an instant flavour of what Uzbekistan feels like for the tourist - it's all about Islamic era historical monuments; it's big, bright, clean and orderly.

Modern Uzbekistan is the descendant of a vast Islamic empire created by this guy, Timur:

Kill total: probably about 17 million

and then put through the modernising grindstone of the Soviet Union:

Kill total: dunno, but high. But also universal literacy, hospitals, roads, and "Praise be to God, opening the faces of the women". Our guide was pretty positive about the results of the Soviet era.

Many of the monuments we saw were in fact restored by the Russians from ruins:

It has in recent years suddenly started to embrace private enterprise and is in the midst of vast social change yet again.

Tea, anyone?

It's Muslim but secular, not fundamentalist - our local guide says most don't even observe Ramadan. 

Lots of pre-Islamic motifs even in religious buildings - this is the Simurgh, the Zoroastrian "bird of compassion" - which I wrote about in Heart of Flame!

I'm struggling not to give you twenty pics of architecture, because OMG words cannot do justice to the beauty:

The necropolis in Samarkand

Bukhara - my HoF heroes went there!

The four towers  of this mosque represent the founder's four daughters :-)

I really liked Uzbekistan - I'd definitely go back.

If only for the string cheese: