Pole dancer

Her name is Jenyne Butterfly and she is just amazing. If, like me, you were wowed by the athletic poledancing in Rock of Ages, you'll love this.

Here's some more:

Wild Enchantments - first draft

Thanks to Alec for sending me this pic!

2013 is definitely going to be the Year of the Romantic Novel - I am after all under orders! - but first I'm polishing off the last of the filth. Well, polishing up the filth anyway ... I've just finished the 10th story in a collection tentatively titled "Wild Enchantments" (have you spotted the pattern yet?) and spent several hours yesterday stuffing the squabbling, fractious things into a single volume.

Over the next week or so I have to get it ready for submission - formatted, spellchecked, each story prettied up. I have to log every name I've used in my database to ensure I'm not repeating myself. And talking of repeats - I need to make sure that the sex varies across the volume ("Oh, do we have to have anal again, Janine?"), that I'm not reusing metaphors or tropes or story structures (I already know there's probably too much rainy weather), and that the narrator voices are individualised.

And then there's the research for tiny but vital details. Off the top of my head this will include fact-checking across websites on

• How to speak Enochian
• The life of Ivan the Terrible
• Zombie ants
• Modern Military jargon
• medieval musical instruments

I've said it before: thank goodness for t'Internet!

Stories that turn me on

Today I'm doing a guest post over at Kissing Velvet, as part of the ongoing series "Stories that Turn Me On". Which is where erotica authors get to 'fess up about someone else's work that puts them all in a tizzy.

I picked a favourite story from Alison Tyler's Luscious anthology. I'm slightly distracted now by the book's lovely new cover. Mmmmm....

Ahem. Anyway, the story is Something Dirty by Erica Dumas, so you can go find why I like it so much....

It applies to writers too...

:-)

Filthy Friday

It's Filthy Friday!

You know how much we UK authors love the Sh! Erotica Shop?
Well, today on the Sh! Blog you can read a nice big extract from Named and Shamed. And yes, it is fairly filthy! I mean, I wouldn't want to waste the opportunity...

Amazon US: Kindle US : Amazon UK : Kindle UK

Penshaw

Before Northumberlandia, there was Penshaw Monument, and that's where I was on New Year's Day.

The North East of England has an ongoing legacy of earthworks and follies*. Penshaw Monument was built in 1844 as a tribute to the Earl of Durham, created as a half-sized replica of a Greek temple. It's still pretty damn big - nearly 100ft long, 66ft high, and you can see it for miles. Close-up, is is frankly oppressive:

It sits on Penshaw Hill, which is the site of a famous dragon legend: The Lambton Worm: young Lord Lambton went fishing on a Sunday (boo!) in the River Wear, and caught a nasty-looking worm which he discarded in a well. Then he went off to the Crusades ... and when he got back he found the Worm had grown into a huge monster that terrorised the countryside.

This fearful worm would often feed

On calves an' lambs an' sheep,

An' swallow little bairns alive

When they laid doon te sleep.

An when he'd eaten aall he cud

An' he had had his fill,

He craaled away an' lapped his tail

Ten times roond Penshaw Hill.

When I wrote my huge unpublished supernatural thriller a decade ago, I set a pivotal chapter at Penshaw Hill, where one of the characters is menaced by the Worm - and the others bump into Shiva.

 ‘What do you think?’ Steve asked.
    ‘What about?’
    ‘About this place.’
    ‘It’s cold,’ Erica complained.
    He knocked his fists together. ‘Tell me what you think about it, though.’
    Adrian said, ‘If we had enough netting we could catch us some harpies. Like in that Jason film, you remember?’
    There were nods of recognition. ‘Ade, I think you’re channelling Rhys,’ Meena warned.
    ‘Oh God,’ he said in horror.
    ‘Seriously,’ Steve said; ‘how does it make you feel? How do you see it?’
    They looked at him with varying degrees of perplexity and cynicism. ‘Is this a test of some sort?’ May asked.
    He shrugged. ‘Not a test.’
    ‘What, then?’
    ‘Knock away the rational, everyday layers of your mind. How do you see it, deep down?’
    ‘Like?’
    ‘Like, what does it mean to your imagination?’
    ‘It’s big. It’s stone. It’s old.’
    ‘Oh no. You’re not really that shallow, May.’
    ‘Okay,’ said Meena, since no one else was going to kick off. ‘ I don’t like it much. Is that what you want? It’s too big. It’s never been lived in, or used for genuine worship, or even turned into a proper building. It’s got no real relationship to human beings, if you know what I mean. It feels, not exactly hostile, but like it doesn’t understand what it’s supposed to do with us.’
    There was a moment’s silence. Meena felt the columns leaning in around their small group.
    ‘Good,’ Steve said.
    ‘Yeah,’ Adrian said, eyes half-closed. ‘It’s like a machine waiting to be switched on. It’s amazing. I can’t help liking it, myself. It reminds me of a great big steam engine, just sat there, black with oil, ready to be fired up. Does that sound stupid? Like Meena said, it’s got a purpose,’ he continued slowly, ‘but it hasn’t been fulfilled. I don’t know what it would be.’
    Yes you do, thought Meena. Twice now you’ve likened it to a cage.

---

This is, for me, a magical place. A landmark on my imaginative map. I have very happy personal memories of Penshaw Hill because when I was at University we staged two wonderful LARP adventures there. Including the infamous "X Rated" one (really, more like PG) which, let us say, turned out to include a certainly amount of foreshadowing ...
So Mr Ashbless and I wandered through the little quarries and woods in a glow of nostalgia.

It was a good place to spend New Year's Day - a place to look back with gratitude and joy, before setting out into the future.

---

* (Nowadays, just across the road, a reclaimed colliery site has become Herrington Country Park, complete with modern stone circle. You just can't stop 'em!)

Eyecandy Monday

Goodbye 2012! You were a mixture of pain and pleasure, as any year is. You brought us the Rapture and the End of the World, both of which we got through surprisingly easily. You brought us Gangnam Style and the Olympics and some pretty unpleasant weather ... We won't forget you.

And welcome 2013!
Treat us gently!

2012 in the rearview mirror

It's that time of year again, when we take a glance backward before looking forward. So here goes:

Picture of the Year:

Okay, this one is very personal, but my dog Caspian (the one who got shot) featured as Mr December in the Tia Charity Calendar for 2012, so I am very proud of him!

Best Movie:

I watched 28 movies in 2012. Fantasy and SF seem to be back in vogue. Here's my top 5 (in order of personal enjoyment rather than quality):

The Hobbit: an Unexpected Journey

A Dangerous Method

ParaNorman

Shame

Rock of Ages

"I'm-so-pissed-off" disappointment of the year was Batman: the Dark Knight Rises - very cruelly and accurately summed up here. My expectations were set too high.

Best Music:



I've been listening to the King Charles CD Loveblood over and over again as I drive. Kasabian's Velociraptor gets an honourable 2nd place.


Best TV:

Game of Thrones. No argument. I love it.

Best Eyecandy Pic of the Year:

Oddly, this one. Simple ... yet effective, I feel.

Best Book Not Counting "A Game of Thrones":

I bought it for Mr Ashbless at Christmas and I'm still in the middle of reading it, but it's already won. I keep wanting to read bits out loud at people.

Wisest Words:

And if you want a good example of that, try this.


Here's to the unknowable thrills of 2013!

What day is it?

Pictures from Christmas day...

"I'm on my 4th glass of mulled wine but I'm bloody getting this roulade filled"

The recipe for Sage and Parsnip Roulade is here, btw. It's delicious, and it's by Delia Smith, which means it's fairly bomb-proof even for cooks who drink.The hardest bit is finding a shop that still sells Sage Derby cheese.

Glasses of wine knocked over: 3. Glasses broken: 1.  Dinner: Perfect.

Mr Ashbless' Xmas Lime Pie

An after-dinner game of "Touch of Evil". We killed the vampire :-)

And the traditional game of "Greyhound Tetris"

Eyecandy Monday

Here's wishing you all a merry festive season, a warm house, good food, and the company of those you love.
And happy, naughty thoughts!

xxx
Janine

Pinus* envy

Well, it must be nearly Christmas - after months of work the Geek Love anthology is finished and sent to Kickstarter backers (Whooohooo!), and the tree is up and decorated ...

But I'm sulking because my Christmas tree doesn't look nearly as cool or geeky as these:

OMG a Dalek tree! How sweet and yet threatening!

Books ...what if you need to reference one mid-holiday?

Dead bicycles

Oh WOW!

I want a Godzilla tree :-(

---

* Xmas trees in the UK are more usually Fir (Abies) or Spruce (Picea) than Pine (Pinus). But I am a pun-whore.

The End of the World - it's all a Plot

So, as Any Fule Kno, today sees the end of the world, according to ancient Mayan prophecy.

I'm not going into any attempt to refute this.
I remember first reading about this decades ago - I must have been oh, ten, and reading one of my many "strange stories, amazing facts, mysterious world" type books.  The article, as I remember, ended something like this:

The Fourth Mayan Long Count Calendar comes to an end in December 2012.
There isn't a Fifth.

Now isn't that a brilliant, cliffhanger piece of writing? I remember being thrilled and scared and thinking "I'll be alive to see that!" - though of course it was so comfortably far in my future I had no actual anxiety about it.

But looking round, it seems quite a few people are now convinced and terrified by the  Mayan Apocalypse. And a lot of others are capitalising on that - using it to scam or make money. And the more the media/internet blows it up into an Event, the weirder people start behaving.

Why would they believe this? More to the point why would they want to? 

We're storytelling animals. We love drama. We want to see ourselves in the thick of the action. It's not enough that the world will end one day, it has to end RIGHT NOW WITH ME IN THE MIDDLE OF IT. It's not enough that I fall in love, there has to be ONE PERSON IN THE WHOLE WORLD WHO IS MEANT FOR ME, AND WE WILL LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER. It's not enough that I feel miserable, I have to TAKE EVERYONE DOWN WITH ME SO I WILL BE REMEMBERED.

We all know how stories go because we're brought up on them in books and movies and TV: there's challenge, and conflict, moments of joy and relief and then disaster, and it all comes to a huge climax. Sometimes it's a horrible climax, sometimes it's a happy ending.

Real life is just not good enough for us:

From the ever-wonderful SMBC

We don't like that. We don't like ending with a whimper, not a bang. We don't like things muddling on in a dull way until they stop. So we sell ourselves stories with Happy Endings (Heavenly rewards after all life's trials, Star Trek futures where humankind will have outgrown all its vices and problems), or Horror Endings (suicide, environmental disaster, economic and political collapse that must be Prepared For).

I do ... Don't I? Myths are simply stories we live by

And people do all sorts of stupid, self-destructive shit on a lower level - pick that fight on Xmas day with everyone in the family looking on, dial the police during a manhunt with completely made-up eyewitness accounts, slap naked pictures of themselves (ahem!) on the internet, jump onstage and punch their heroes. We're not trying to be idiots, we're trying to be dramatic.

It's because we want to be part of a Big Story.

Am I saying we should just stop this crap? Well ... I think that's like saying we should stop breathing. Telling stories is part of what makes us human, and not some sort of dull herd animal. We get born and we grow up and we fuck and we die just like every other creature - but we tell stories about it. That makes us unique. It makes us terrible beyond words. It makes us truly great.

The towering ego

My old ego-shelf was overflowing, so Mr Ashbless made me a supersize new one, with room for foreign editions and everything.
Well, I've got to have space for Geek Love!

Don't worry, I'm sure my ego will expand to fill the empty spaces ... ;-)

Crazy as a cat

Going back to fill in stuff in my last story. And I thought I'd finished ...