Janine encounters ... the Robo-Toilet!

Tech-fans rejoice, for I bring you my review of the ROBO-LOO. Or to be precise, the Uspa Electronic Bidet Seat. No longer just a terrifying Japanese travel-tale, interactive lavvies are now available in the comfort of your own home! And I was privileged to be the first Ladybits Owner to try this particular one out:

It looks like an ordinary toilet crossed with a duck, but it comes complete with a whole new level of Disconcerting. For a start, when you sit down, THE SEAT IS PRE-WARMED.

O.M.G.
And when your ass covers the sensor on the seat, A LITTLE FAN POWERS UP TO SUCK YOUR STINKS AWAY.

Then you get to play with the remote control:

It goes BEEP every time, so don't imagine you're being subtle

Robo-Loo comes with two retractable and self-cleaning nozzles. Forgive me dear reader for ruffling your delicate sensibilities, but one of those nozzles squirts water at your asshole, and the other squirts it at your pussy, assuming you have one; if not, I guess ...

You can adjust water temperature, pressure, and position forward or back. THERE ARE OSCILLATING PROGRAMS.

Yes - not only is this device a boon for the hygiene-conscious vegetarian, say, but this toilet is designed for your aqua-based stimulation. Truly, what greater boon can civilisation offer than the gentle yet insistent pulse of a water jet about your throbbing sphincter?

[OFFSCREEN: "SqueeeeeEEEEE"]

(Demonstration with clingfilm)

I had to look up what a "Sitz bath" was, btw.

I'm not much the wiser, but it seems to be a shallow genital bath for which any medical claim is made.

Finally, once you have climaxed contented yourself with sufficient waterplay, THERE IS A FAN (3 warmth settings) to tenderly air-dry your delicate flaps.

Those of you who know how long I spend on the toilet already, despair anew! I may never leave the bathroom now :-D

BONUS BATHROOM TECH:

The shower vacuum