I want it painted black

Can you hear Absolute 80s Radio blasting out from my house? That's a 100%-accurate giveaway that I'm redecorating.

I've been turning our hall from "Presidential Orange" to "Ultrabland Off-White".

And an osprey is about to land on my ass

I'm not touching the blasted woodchip, mind. That can stay into the 22nd Century as far as I'm concerned!